1:37am

I don't do much with my life, and I realize this. I don't drive. I'm not going to school. I don't contribute to paying the bills or doing chores on a regular basis as I should be doing. I don't eat as healthy as I could be eating, or exercise, even though it is my ultimate wish to lose weight. There are just so many "don't"s in my life, and I need to realize that I can't keep sitting here in my own self-pity if I want things to change in my life.

I am so fucking lazy, and it depresses me. There are so many things I think about throughout the day and just bask in sadness towards. That's all I do. That, and watch Korean dramas. And work. This is what my life consists of. I'm doing absolutely nothing productive. Yes, I've worked out once. Yes, I almost died because of how unfit and unhealthy I am. Yes, I did feel good afterwards despite feeling like shit while I was working out. But why don't I have the motivation to do it again? To change my body through physical exercise? Because I choose to be an emotional eater instead -___-

I say I'm going to do this, or that, but I never follow through with my words. Ever. I haven't changed one bit, and so many years have been wasted. Even though I'm living here with my dad, I'm still the same. I don't know why I thought it was going to be any different. Everything's the same. Same family issues, different side of the family. My mother was right, as always, but did I ever listen to her? No.

I don't regret moving here one bit, let me tell you that. No matter what the situation is, I know in my heart I belong here with this side of the family. I do have thoughts of moving out, only because I'm a loner and I wish to live without my family, but I know it's not time yet. I'm still young. I don't have what it takes to be as independent as I want to be. I need to do more with my life before fending for myself.

It makes me sad to see how the relationship with my dad has changed. Living away from him, I saw him in a different light. Now that I live with him, I see everything. All his hardships he never told me. All his struggles and the huge weight of stress he carries on his shoulders when it comes to us. He does so much for us and gets nothing in return. We all take him for granted, and it breaks my heart. He is so unhappy, and I don't know how to help him. 

The only thing I can do is ask nothing of him. Which I don't. I'm not asking him to help me with my college tuition. He said he'd help me with a car, but then again my mom and them said they'd get me a car.....Now that I'm working, I never ask him for money. Just when it comes to money, it gives him enough stress as it is. I don't need to bother him to ask him for money to go out and stuff. Instead of saving, I've been spending paychecks within 2 days of receiving them x______x;; I'm so bad with money, and it runs in our Caylao blood. It's difficult saving money. 

Anyways, it's almost 2am, and my mind is running out of things to talk about. It's as if all the silent conversations I've had with myself over the past months have faded away. I guess when it comes to ranting, I need to nip it in the butt while it's still fresh, otherwise I forget all about it and move on with life. Oh well. It's not like I use this a lot anyways.

Goodnight, world.