Genuinity.

I can't find it in people anymore. I have a lot of people around me I can call friends, but how many of them would really be there for me though when the water runs dry?

No one asks me how I truly am anymore, and that is what breaks me every single night. No one is concerned for anyone's well-being anymore. I want to break down every single night, thinking about my inner-being crying for help, and realizing that there is no one that I can reach out to.

It is mainly my fault for being so bad at communicating back to people, or the fact that I barely hang out with anyone anymore because of a certain someone. But how do I escape? How do I tell someone I care for to leave me alone to do what I want with my life? It is my life, after all, that he is overtaking. And I shouldn't let him affect me this way.

I need balance in my life. I don't have "me" time anymore, and back then having plenty of it kept me sane.

But back to genuinity...I can't confide in people anymore. Not him, not anyone. I have no one to vent to. I have no one to share genuine feelings with. I have no one to genuinely hug, to warm my freezing heart. I want genuine love.

It's not even about being official, or PDA, or materialistic wishes. It's about showing a person you know what they like, or showing them off like you're glad people know that's yours. It's about knowing them, and how they want to express their love, and not to have them hold back on it just because you like things private. It's about wishing for music playlists, or hand-written notes, or momentos to lay beside you when you're sleeping alone to shed a little light into your dark mind. To think about positivity, and to remind you that you aren't alone.

I miss my family. I miss having two real best friends who I know care for others feelings. I miss the old, naïve me. Back then, I was genuine towards my own feelings, and didn't let everything around me poison me how it does now.

In all seriousness,

I'd like someone to be seriously commited to me. It's not so much hanging out with me every hour of every day, but letting me know every hour of every day that you love me and no one else.

First all-nighter since forever.

Damn....my body is in sleep mode, but I just couldn't fall asleep last night. One, because I kept thinking about paranormal shit, so that freaked me out when I heard noises. Second, I just have a lot on my mind.

Work is gonna suck today...I bet when I get off at 3 and go home, I'm gonna knock the fuck out x____x!

Companion.

This is my dog, Jayce. He isn't technically my dog, because my mom bought him for my stepdad on his birthday, so he's the "family" dog, but I consider him to be my own. I took care of him most. I played with him most. I fed him most. I was the ONLY one who bathed him....maybe not often, but every time he did have a bath. I was the one who cared for Jayce most. 

We were lazy with him, I'll admit that. He didn't get the exercise he needed. If he needed to use the bathroom, we just let him out in the back and let him roam free. It was a bad thing if he escaped....he wasn't really socialized enough as a puppy, so he's not good with other dogs....One time he escaped because someone didn't close the garage door all the way, and when he ran outside, my sister was playing with her friend and her friend's little dog. 

I wasn't there to witness it, but Jayce ran toward the little dog, and we knew what he was planning on doing. My sister's friend knew as well, so she grabebd her dog and held it in her hands. My mom said Jayce jumped and snatched the little dog right out of that girl's hand, and started attacking it. Poor thing. It was a very traumatizing experience for both my sister and my mom. The little dog had so much internal bleeding, he ended up passing away at the vet. I feel so bad for that family.

There was another time when Jayce escaped, and I was the only one home. The lawn mower people didn't close the backyward fence, and he ended up escaping around 8 o'clock at night. I went to go get him after letting him out to pee about 5-10 minutes later, and he wasn't outside, so I hopped onto my bike and went searching for him. As I was riding through my neighborhood, I found him, and he was running toward this guy walking his rotweiler. I bet you can guess what happened.....Jayce attacked the poor rotweiler. 

At first I quiclky hopped off of my bike, but froze out of shock because I didn't know what to do. Jayce was biting the dog, but I feared he would bite me if I tried to pull him off of the other dog. About 5 seconds pass, and the guy ends up cursing at me to get my damn dog off of his dog, so I pull him by the fur and clasp his leash on him. I apologied a million times, while the guy furiously cursed at me for a good while, After that, I got onto my bike, my legs still shaking and weak, and pedaled home as fast as I could.

The minute I got home, I beat him, my eyes full of tears. I felt embarrassed. I felt humiliated. I felt hurt that my dogs would do such things. But we had no one to blame but ourselves. It was our fault we didn't socialize him enough as a puppy. Just the fact that Jayce would ever do such a thing broke my heart.

Seeing it now, if I had the option, I would've taken Jayce with me. It sucks my stepmom doesn't like dogs. If only my aunt still had her condo. First floor, a long strip of grass for dogs to run around in the backyard, a good enough space in the living room inside and all of that. She has a bulldog, so that situation would've helped socialize Jayce. I would've taken him to dog classes. I could've kept him in my room if things didn't work out at first, but I would definitely make things work out to where he can have dog friends. I miss Jayce, basically.

1:37am

I don't do much with my life, and I realize this. I don't drive. I'm not going to school. I don't contribute to paying the bills or doing chores on a regular basis as I should be doing. I don't eat as healthy as I could be eating, or exercise, even though it is my ultimate wish to lose weight. There are just so many "don't"s in my life, and I need to realize that I can't keep sitting here in my own self-pity if I want things to change in my life.

I am so fucking lazy, and it depresses me. There are so many things I think about throughout the day and just bask in sadness towards. That's all I do. That, and watch Korean dramas. And work. This is what my life consists of. I'm doing absolutely nothing productive. Yes, I've worked out once. Yes, I almost died because of how unfit and unhealthy I am. Yes, I did feel good afterwards despite feeling like shit while I was working out. But why don't I have the motivation to do it again? To change my body through physical exercise? Because I choose to be an emotional eater instead -___-

I say I'm going to do this, or that, but I never follow through with my words. Ever. I haven't changed one bit, and so many years have been wasted. Even though I'm living here with my dad, I'm still the same. I don't know why I thought it was going to be any different. Everything's the same. Same family issues, different side of the family. My mother was right, as always, but did I ever listen to her? No.

I don't regret moving here one bit, let me tell you that. No matter what the situation is, I know in my heart I belong here with this side of the family. I do have thoughts of moving out, only because I'm a loner and I wish to live without my family, but I know it's not time yet. I'm still young. I don't have what it takes to be as independent as I want to be. I need to do more with my life before fending for myself.

It makes me sad to see how the relationship with my dad has changed. Living away from him, I saw him in a different light. Now that I live with him, I see everything. All his hardships he never told me. All his struggles and the huge weight of stress he carries on his shoulders when it comes to us. He does so much for us and gets nothing in return. We all take him for granted, and it breaks my heart. He is so unhappy, and I don't know how to help him. 

The only thing I can do is ask nothing of him. Which I don't. I'm not asking him to help me with my college tuition. He said he'd help me with a car, but then again my mom and them said they'd get me a car.....Now that I'm working, I never ask him for money. Just when it comes to money, it gives him enough stress as it is. I don't need to bother him to ask him for money to go out and stuff. Instead of saving, I've been spending paychecks within 2 days of receiving them x______x;; I'm so bad with money, and it runs in our Caylao blood. It's difficult saving money. 

Anyways, it's almost 2am, and my mind is running out of things to talk about. It's as if all the silent conversations I've had with myself over the past months have faded away. I guess when it comes to ranting, I need to nip it in the butt while it's still fresh, otherwise I forget all about it and move on with life. Oh well. It's not like I use this a lot anyways.

Goodnight, world.

Since I'm up...

I've decided to share the useless fact that I've begun to reread Dance Dance Dance by Haruki Murakami. The last time I attempted reading this book, I only got up to page 12...so I started over. Last night I finished at 4 in the morning, and found myself on the halfway mark of page 90.

Since it's summer, and I have no curfew or need to get up early in the morning anymore, my mind travels mindlessly through the night. It really is impossible for me to try and sleep before 3am now. My eyes feel heavy at the crack of dawn. The yawns don't start coming in until the sun is making its way up above the horizon. When I wake, my siblings have already eaten lunch. I feel dead when I wake up.

Which brings me back to my sleepless nights. No one is ever up when I'm up. Or maybe I just don't bother checking because I'm already assuming they're sleeping. But who would want to talk to me at a time like this anyways? There aren't a lot of people I could really talk to in the first place. I'm anticipating the future, where new people will flow in to(and possibly out of) my life. I seek new adventures...to test new waters. In 2 weeks, the start of a new beginning will arise.